BOOK BAN 2:
ELECTRIC
BOOKBANALOO

Highland Park's Bold New Plan: Reading, Cancelled.

In a bold escalation of the 2014 Highland Park book ban, a coalition of highly motivated parents has announced a new initiative: Book Ban 2: Electric BookBanaloo, a sweeping effort to remove not just controversial novels, but every single written word from district life.

The movement, operating under the slogan “Keep 'Em Safe From Letters”, argues that written language has "gone too far" and now poses, in their words, "an intellectual risk to growing minds."

“First it was inappropriate passages. Then it was entire books,” explained committee co-chair Charissa Bonnard-Lively III, addressing reporters outside a child-friendly pilates studio. “Now we've realized the real threat is the alphabet itself.”

Anything With Words Must Go

The new policy targets:

• Books and e-books
• Audiobooks ("the words are invisible but still dangerous")
• Board games with written instructions
• Juice boxes with text on the back
• Subtitles, captions, and closed captioning
• All student essays, worksheets, and sticky notes
• Teacher emails and any memo longer than three emojis

In classrooms, traditional textbooks are being replaced with:

• Large printed emojis
• Sticker charts and star systems
• A single laminated picture of a cowboy the district believes is "historically neutral"

When asked how students will learn to read, one parent clarified: “We're not against knowledge. We're against letters that could lead to ideas that could lead to opinions.”

The New Literacy Standard: Pictures Only

Under the revised curriculum, grades K–12 will transition to a pictures-only academic model. Writing utensils other than crayons are being phased out. Students may express themselves through drawings, interpretive hand gestures, and what the handbook calls “vibe-based communication.”

High school English has been rebranded as:

Advanced Coloring & Symbol Interpretation (Honors)

Instead of writing essays, students will now:

• Stare at a single illustration of a horse
• Describe the "energy" of the horse aloud
• Receive participation credit for "emotional engagement"

Parent Reaction: Overwhelming Support

Many parents have applauded the decision.

“I haven't read a book since 2006,” said one father. “This finally puts me on the same page as my kids. Actually, no pages. No pages at all.”

Another parent praised the move for protecting students from “the dangers of adjectives,” which she described as “too emotional and frankly disrespectful.”

One concerned mother did ask how students would apply to college without being able to read or write. The committee reassured her that “colleges will simply understand.”

Critics Speak Out (Illegally)

Several teachers attempted to raise concerns but were immediately escorted out for violating the new No Words Ordinance by accidentally forming sentences.

One teacher tried to write a protest message on the whiteboard. The marker was confiscated, and the teacher is now limited to finger painting.

What's Next?

Committee leaders say Phase Three of the initiative may involve banning:

• Thought
• Subtext
• Punctuation-shaped jewelry
• Cloud formations that “look like letters”
• Numbers ("math is just letters doing cosplay")

For now, Highland Park students will navigate a brave new world; one without nouns, verbs, or the tyranny of phonics. In place of a written mission statement, the committee issued a wordless graphic:

“🖼️✨🙅‍♂️📚”

Translation: We did not think this through.