HP HOUSEWIFE GUIDE
TO PLANNING AN
INSURRECTION

“If We're Taking Back the Country, We're Doing It in Nude Heels.”

After months of group chats labeled “Bible Study,” “MomSquad,” and suspiciously “Girls Trip Logistics,” a coalition of Highland Park housewives has unveiled what they are calling the HP Housewife Guide to Planning an Insurrection, a 32-page PDF that reads like a mix between a Pottery Barn catalog and a coup attempt.

“We're not saying we're overthrowing anything,” insisted group leader Meredith St. Clair, wearing a pearl-encrusted sweater that read “Moms for Freedom & Frosé.” “We're just saying if democracy were to wobble, we'd like to make sure the aesthetic isn't cheap.”

The document begins with a foreword:

“If we're taking back the country, we're doing it in nude heels.”

1. Wardrobe Planning: “Revolution, But Make It Resort Casual.”

According to the guide, proper rebellion attire includes:

• White jeans (“symbolic purity & slimming”)
• Statement sunglasses (“for anonymity and vitamin D”)
• Matching tote bags in tasteful beige
• Blowouts (“history looks better when your hair does”)

“People on the news looked so sweaty that day,” said Paige Montgomery, sipping an iced matcha. “We can do better.”

2. Coordination: “It's Basically a Themed Charity Gala.”

The housewives insist theirs is not an insurrection, it's an “elevated community gathering with light political undertones.”

“It's like Cattle Baron's Ball,” Paige said, “but with slightly more constitutional confusion.”

They're designing:

• A custom step-and-repeat
• A themed signature cocktail (“The Patriot-tini”)
• Color-coded bracelets indicating brunch reservations afterward

“We already organize three charity galas, the school auction, and a neighborhood progressive dinner,” Meredith said. “Running a tiny uprising can't be that different.”

3. Fitness Prep: “Core Strength for Core Values.”

Local barre studios have reported an uptick in bookings for women requesting the “coup-ready package.”

“They keep saying things like ‘We need strong quads for the cause,’” said instructor Lexi, who chose not to give her last name. “I don't know what that means and I don't want to.”

4. Social Media Strategy: “If You Don't Post It, Did You Even Revolt?”

The guide recommends:

• A coordinated Instagram dump (3 photos serious, 1 laughing, 1 of hands in a circle)
• A reel with dramatic piano music and slow zooms
• Matching captions like “Fighting for what matters ✨”

They also advise carrying portable ring lights “in case lighting conditions reflect poorly on the movement.”

5. Snacks: “Revolution Runs on Charcuterie.”

The document dedicates an entire chapter to snacks:

• mini croissant sandwiches
• gluten-free flag-shaped cookies
• “artisan grapes”

“People on the news were eating sad vending machine food,” said Meredith. “We refuse tragedy.”

6. Their Actual Political Plan: “Unclear.”

When asked what exactly they intend to accomplish, the group offered a range of answers including:

• “Fixing America's vibe”
• “Stopping whatever is happening to the cost of avocados”
• “Making brunch great again”
• “Putting God back in Pilates”

No one referenced any branch or mechanism of government.

“We're not… like… political political,” Paige clarified. “We're supportive. And photogenic.”

7. Conclusion: “History, But Elevated.”

Despite the dramatic branding, the group stresses they are not planning a real insurrection.

“It's metaphorical,” Meredith insisted. “A vibe. A movement. A lightly themed empowerment experience. Like SoulCycle but with founding fathers.”

As of press time, the group was last seen arguing over whether the revolution should have a color palette or a “seasonal direction.”