LIFESTYLE • FAITH & FAMILY
Satire. Not affiliated with Watermark Church, and absolutely not a real news story.
What was meant to be a spiritual reset for 19-year-old Hunter McAllister has instead left his conservative Highland Park parents “deeply confused, broadly humbled, and honestly… a little impressed,” after the young man returned from Watermark Church’s discipleship scene significantly gayer than when he left.
“We sent him to Watermark to find God and a wife,” said Hunter’s mother, Stacey, clutching a leather-bound study Bible she mostly uses as décor. “But he came back with a sharper jawline, better posture, and a skincare routine that costs more than my car payment.”
The McAllisters enrolled Hunter in Watermark’s young adult ministry, The Porch, after he was spotted in a cropped tank top at a lake trip, an outfit his father described as “theologically concerning.”
Upon arrival, Hunter was assigned two “accountability partners,” which his parents assumed meant weekly Scripture memorization and masculine bonding over black coffee.
Instead, Hunter says he was introduced to:
“We do talk about sin,” Hunter explained, “but we also talk about lighting design and intentional layering. Iron sharpens iron.”
When Hunter returned home after several months of services, small groups, and emotionally intense worship nights, Stacey says she “felt the shift immediately.”
“He walked through the door, dropped his duffel bag, and said, ‘Mother… I have been transformed,’” she recalled. “I thought he meant spiritually. But no. He meant his cheekbones.”
Hunter now volunteers on the worship team and has started a side ministry consulting other young men on “Christ-centered personal style.”
“Watermark didn’t make me gay,” Hunter clarified. “They just gave me community, emotional vocabulary, and access to male role models who moisturize. Do you know what that does to a person?”
Hunter’s father, Brent, says he is grateful his son is in church but unsettled by the aesthetics.
“I’m glad he’s reading Scripture,” Brent said. “But when he started quoting Psalms with a soft-launch Instagram carousel, I knew something had shifted.”
Brent admits the family may have underestimated the influence of worship culture.
“Everyone warns you about secular TikTok,” he said, “but no one prepares you for a 6’1” worship leader in skinny jeans telling your son he’s ‘beautifully and wonderfully made’ while playing minor chords.”
A fictional spokesperson for Watermark offered a statement:
“We did not ‘make’ anyone anything. We simply provided biblical teaching, weekly small groups, and an environment where young adults can feel fully known and fully loved under high-quality LED stage lighting.”
Another member added off the record:
“If parents are worried their sons will become more expressive, compassionate, and well-accessorized, that’s really between them and the Lord.”
Despite her confusion, Stacey insists she’s trying to see the situation as part of a larger divine design.
“Maybe this is just God humbling us,” she said. “We prayed for transformation. We just didn’t realize it might include a septum ring.”
Hunter, for his part, seems at peace.
“Honestly?” he said. “Watermark didn’t change who I am. It just gave me language for it, a church that kind of loves me, and a killer worship playlist.”
He paused, then smiled.
“If anything,” he added, “they made me more honest. The gay part is just better lit now.”